


So Why Do You Want To Date England?

by pupeez4eva



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, Gen, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:44:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10952391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: One day, America woke up bright and early and decided that England seriously needed to get laid.





	So Why Do You Want To Date England?

**Author's Note:**

> An old fic I wrote, which was posted on my fanfiction.net profile. I decided to upload it here too.

One day, America woke up bright and early and decided that England seriously needed to get laid.

After about five minutes of contemplation, he decided that his idea (just like every other idea that had ever come out of his mind) was brilliant, and needed to be put into motion as quickly as possible.

Cue the interviews.

...

America smiled brightly at Japan. The Asian nation stared back, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

"So!" America said, cheerfully. "Why do you want to date England?!"

"...I don't," Japan replied, after a brief pause. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "America-san, you told me to come here to play a new video game with you."

America shrugged. "Well...I lied."

Japan stared at him for a moment. "May I leave now?" he asked at last.

"No!" America cried. "Not until you tell me exactly why you want to date England!"

Japan coughed and shrugged his shoulders. It was obvious, from the look on his face and from his posture, that he was incredibly uncomfortable with the situation.

"I don't," he replied. "Not really..."

"Oh come _on!"_ America groaned. "You have to! This isn't going to work unless I have crowds of eager people swarming in! I need options! Well, England does, but whatever..."

Japan frowned. "Why do you want to find England a date so badly?" 

America thought for a moment.

"Because he is a grumpy old fart who needs a life?"

"...True."

"Yeah." America nodded. "And I thought...well...if I find him someone to go out with, maybe he won't be such a grumpy old fart anymore. Maybe he'll stop spending every second of his life nagging me and actually do something worthwhile, you know?"

"Also true." Japan nodded.

"Good!" America sat forward, beaming widely. "So you'll date him?! Great! That's just the first step you know - the second is getting him into bed -"

"No." Japan stood up, quickly. "Goodbye, America-san."

He hurriedly walked out of the room. America stared at the open doorway for a few moments.

"...Next person!"

...

The next person happened to be none other than France.

"France!" America exclaimed, waving cheerfully at the other nation. "Nice to see you!"

"Ah...Amerique!" France beamed. "Thank you for allowing me the chance to participate in such a delightful competition!"

"Well...I didn't really call you over..." America admitted, slowly. "...I actually don't know how you found out..."

"I am France."

"Yeah..." he coughed. "Well...I guess everyone deserves a fair go."

France beamed. "Exactly!"

"Right." America shifted in his chair, trying to get comfortable, and then turned his attention back to the nation sitting in front of him. "So...why do you want to date England?"

"So I can crush him."

" _...What?!"_

America stared at France with wide, disbelieving eyes.

France chuckled, darkly. "You think I have forgiven Angleterre for taking Canada away from me all those years ago? And what about every other thing he has ever done..." his eyes narrowed. "...Every other frustrating, mind-grating, infuriating, vexing -"

"Okay, okay, I get it," America interrupted, cutting him off.

"Yes." France nodded his head. "I will date him, bed him and leave him with a broken heart. Oh _hon hon hon!"_

"...How the _hell_ will that change him from the bitter old man that he is now?" America demanded.

"It won't," France replied, shrugging. "I will have a laugh though."

America stared at him for a moment.

 _"...NEXT!"_

...

Austria glared down at America. "I don't know how I got here!" he spat.

"Yeah..." America nodded his head. "It's better if it stays that way."

Austria's eyes narrowed. "I want to go home!"

America shrugged. "You can leave as soon as I ask you this question," he said. "Why do you want to date England?"

"You are crazy."

"No seriously," America laughed. "Why?"

Austria clenched his fists and his eyes narrowed further. "I do not want to date England!" he snapped. "I have never hinted that I have...I was in my home, you know...relaxing...spending a lovely night in the company of my piano. Then, the next thing I knew, I was _here!"_

"You can thank my alien friend for that!" America beamed.

"...Send me home. _Now!"_

America, ever the opportunist (at least at the moment anyway) leaned forward, looking eager.

"If I do, will you date England?"

_"No!"_

America pouted slightly. "Why not?"

Those simple words sent Austria's mind whirring.

_'Because he is an idiot, annoying, bothersome, egocentric, bossy, boring old COOT who I would love nothing more than to see dragged of to the DEPTHS OF HELL!'_

He said none of this aloud.

"Because I am married," he replied calmly.

"Oh yeah!" America slapped his forehead and let out a laugh. "I forgot! Haha...okay, you can leave then."

"Thank god," Austria muttered.

...

"I can't date England!" Spain cried. "I am in love with my Romano!"

"Seriously...this is _not_ going the way I want," America complained. "Come on Spain! Someone has to date him!"

"Well, just keep trying," Spain replied. "I mean, I don't think you'll be getting anywhere with this. If you don't mind wasting a heap of time though..."

America shot Spain a desperate look.

"Can't you date him?!" he pleaded.

Spain shook his head, looking adamant. "I love Romano."

America flung up his arms, looking frustrated.

"But he doesn't love you!"

Spain stood up, a dark expression crossing his face. His jaw clenched and, the next moment, he was storming towards the door.

"I do not hear your lies!" he howled. "I am leaving now! Bye _amigo!"_

As he stormed out the door, America could hear him muttering; "Romano loves me...Romano loves me very much..."

...

Prussia leaned back in his chair, his finger tapping his chin as he gazed thoughtfully at the ceiling.

"Why should England date the awesome me?" he mused. "Well...I'm awesome. I'm a walking sex symbol. I'm rich...well, I will be when I become a nation again...which will be soon, I tell you! Also...I'm awesome..."

"Okay, that's great and all," America interrupted. "But...why do _you_ want to date England?"

Prussia looked at him, as if he were stupid. "I don't."

"But...you came here voluntarily."

"Well, _duh!"_ Prussia rolled his eyes. "I _am_ awesome, aren't I?"

"Uh..." America stared at him for a moment, too lost to really respond.

"So" Prussia grinned at America. "How was my application? Am I in or what?"

"...Sure Prussia," America said, after a brief pause.

"Awesome!"

Prussia leapt out of his seat, looking overly pleased with himself. He walked out the door, his head held high, muttering about how awesome me was.

"Yeah..." America coughed. "That's another no..."

...

In America's opinion, Poland seemed to be paying much more attention to America's curtains that to America himself.

These assumptions were proved correct by the nations next words.

"I like, I love what you've done with your drapes. Like, _totally_ squeal-worthy."

"So..." America coughed and fiddled awkwardly with his hands. "Why do you want to date England?"

"I like, don't."

America stared at Poland, blankly.

"...Oh yeah!" Poland added, after a moment. "But I like, know someone who like, totally would."

Well...he'd take what he could get.

"Yeah?" America asked, eagerly.

"Totally, yeah!" Poland responded, beaming widely.

There was a moment of silence.

"...Who?"

"Oh yeah, like, sorry!" Poland apologized. "I was just like, pausing for dramatic effect...I always found that to be like, totally cool and squeal-worthy..."

"Go on" America urged.

"Like, yeah" Poland beamed at him. "So, like, I think Russia would like, totally love to go out with England!"

There was a brief pause.

"...Russia" America finally managed.

"Like, yeah! The guy's always going on about how he wants people to like, become 'one' with him and all, so -"

America cut him off. "I don't think that means that he wants a date."

"Well...no..." Poland shrugged his shoulders. "But like, it's gotta start somewhere, right?"

America stared at him.

"...I don't think England wants to become one with Russia," he said at last.

Poland shrugged and leaned back in his chair, looking slightly bored as he examined his nails.

"Well like, that's the best you're going to get."

America frowned. "So...you don't want to date England?"

"Like, _totally not!"_ Poland laughed.

...

America, like he had been for the past half-hour or so, glared viciously at Latvia.

"Ahh...America..." Latvia shifted in his seat, looking fearful. "Could you please stop staring at me like that? ...Please?"

"Date England," America growled.

"...I'd rather not," Latvia whimpered.

America's glare darkened further. Latvia let out a squeak of fear and backed away.

"Okay fine!" he wailed.

America's glare disappeared immediately, and he beamed widely.

"Great!" he said enthusiastically. "I'll put you on the 'maybe' list!"

...

"Hey China! Why do you want -"

"No, aru."

America frowned at China, who was sitting stiffly in the chair in front of him, glaring.

"But" he protested. "You never even heard -"

China cut him off. "I heard rumors and those are enough, aru. I will not date England. I do not even know how I got here, aru!"

"Yeah...that was Tony..." America shrugged his shoulders. "But anyway...how about you hear what I have to say first?"

"The answer is still no, aru."

America let out a sigh of frustration. "How about I _pay_ you to date England?!"

China shook his head. "No."

"But -"

"You are already in debt to me, aru," China snapped. "I am not stupid."

He left the room.

...

"England will totally become one with you if you date him."

Russia smiled.

"Da."

...So he was getting a little desperate. Well...desperate wasn't always a bad thing, right?

...

...Desperate was _definitely_ a bad thing.

"What do you want?" France demanded, as he wondered into the room.

"Well..." America shifted in his seat, avoiding the other nations eyes for a moment. "You know that thing you said the other day? About...wanting to break England's heart?"

France perked up slightly. "Yes?"

"Well...you know what?" America looked France in the eye and smiled at him. "I'll put you on the 'maybe' list, alright?"

France beamed. "I knew you would see the light!"

After he had left the room, America watched the empty chair in front of him, and let out a loud sigh.

 _'Well...'_ he thought. _'There's always a chance that they might fall in love at the end...a very, very small chance...'_

...

There was a loud banging on his door. America opened it, to reveal England standing on his doorstep, a dark expression on his face.

"What the _HELL_ was the thing that was so urgent that it required me to fly all the way to your house to hear it?!" he demanded, furiously.

"Well..." America thought about a nice away to phrase his next sentence. "..You know how you're an annoying fart and no one loves you?"

England's eyes widened. _"Excuse me?!"_

...Well America had _thought_ that had been one of his more nicer ones...

"Yeah!" he nodded his head. "So, come into the living room, alright? I have a surprise!"

America dragged England into the living room, ignoring the other nation as he struggled and protested. Standing in the middle of the living room were France, Latvia, Russia and Canada.

"I don't even know how I got here!" Canada cried. "America! Let me out! I don't want to be here -"

No one heard him.

"So!" America beamed. "You have three people to choose from! ...I think there's another dude too but I can't seem to remember who, so -"

"What the hell is going on?!" England demanded.

"They're your dates!" America replied, cheerfully. "Well, one of them anyway...unless of course you want them all! Which would be totally cool and I'm sure no one would call you a man-whore to your face -"

"I'm not dating any of these people!"

"But wait!" America cried. "You haven't even heard their profiles!"

 _"AMERICA!"_ England howled.

"So -" America spun away from his former-caretaker, ignoring his cries of anger and indignation. He pointed to France. "This is France!"

"I know who he is, you _ingrate!"_ England spat.

"Yeah...well..." America paused to think for a moment. "He wants to date you because...uh...he wants to love and cherish you!"

France smiled.

"Actually, I simply want to crush you, Angleterre."

"No he doesn't!" America cut in, laughing loudly. "Next person - Russia! He wants to date you because, uh..." he thought for a moment. "...Same reason."

"You will become one with Russia, da?" the other nation murmured, his eyes glinting dangerously.

"Haha, he's such a laugh! Yet another reason why you should definitely date him!" Despite his words, America backed as far away from Russia as he could manage.

England's expression darkened further. "I am _not_ going out with -"

"And lets not forget Latvia!" America pointed at the trembling nation. "He's...well he'll do anything you say! And he's easy to push around..." he thought for a moment. "Oh! And he's short too, so if you ever feel like not looking at him, you can just stare over his head..."

Latvia stared at England with wide eyes.

"And..." America frowned for a moment and gazed around the room, looking confused. "I'm pretty sure there's someone else...I just don't remember who..."

"America!" Canada snapped. _"Let me out of your house!"_

"...Never mind." America shrugged his shoulders. He turned back to England and beamed widely.

"So...who will you choose?!" he asked.

England's expression turned deadly; he took a step forward, breathing heavily.

"...You have five seconds to run before I _kill you."_


End file.
